Friday, March 21, 2008

Crush: Did she choke a bitch?

So, in this fan's humble opinion, the hottest of the female gladiators is Crush. Just look at her!

So, after watching AG for a couple of weeks, I was more than a little disturbed when I realized that they NEVER LET HER TALK. They will literally go around to every other Gladiator and let them jaw about whatever the fuck they want, but will never let Crush utter a single "WOOOOOO" when she talks about how she's gonna ya rock ass at Hit And Run.

This is particularly awkward because she is the gladiator most often chosen for Joust, which is a one-on-one event. Sometimes, they'll talk to the contestant, and then pan over to Crush like they're gonna talk to her, and make like they're gonna ask her some asinine question ("Crush, why is Joust your best event"? "Crush, we heard that you enjoy crocheting slings for your Joust victims." "Crush, why don't you ever talk?")

I did a little research on Crush and found out that she was "once engaged to Muay Thai fighter Kit Cope," who is also known as "The Havoc." Also, her father was a backup quarterback for the Dallas Cowboys in the 70s and 80s. She was a somewhat accomplished Muay Thai fighter, with a career record of 12-1-1 before she heard the call of television.

Back to my original point - why doesn't this broad ever talk? I've compiled a list of possible reasons.

-- Asthmatic, needs full lung capacity to wave around foam stick at unsuspecting targets.

-- Ashamed of mannish voice.

-- "The Havoc" accidentally kicked her in the throat one time during Muay Thai sparring at their Las Vegas home, and her esophagus closed up, leading to massive larynx damage and complete loss of speech, eventually leading to dissolution of engagement between the two fighters.

-- During a safari in Africa, she foolishly left the safety of the Range Rover to recover a pair of Gucci sunglasses that her traveling companion dropped, and she was mauled by a puma, leaving her with irreparable damage to her vocal chords but endowing her with the strength, speed and coordination of a puma.

-- Ashamed of mannish voice.

-- Was purposely elbowed in the throat for trash talking too much during a game of pickup basketball during her college years at UNLV by former Running Rebels star "Grandmama" Larry Johnson, paralyzing her upper register vocal chords and leaving her forever emotionally scarred and scared of speaking.

-- Once witnessed the murder of a key FBI witness and was picked up by the mob, and sworn to silence for the rest of her days in exchange for her life.

-- Ashamed of mannish voice.

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