Thursday, March 27, 2008

Hulk heads for divorce court...4Real?

In November of last year, Linda Bollea, Mrs. Hulk Hogan, filed for divorce. When asked about this, the Hulkster was "shocked." The couple had been together for 24 years and have two children. There had been rumors that they had been separated for a while but just stayed together for the sake of their surprisingly popular reality show.

But oddly enough, Linda filed for divorce just weeks after their son, Nick, was arrested for critically injuring a friend while street racing and being a jackass. Coincidence?

Since the arrest, there has been speculation about what the Hogan family (no relation to the awesome sitcom) will have to pay the victim and his family. With a civil suit officially filed, the family could, and should, pay some major cash.

If Linda and Hulk, nee Terry, divorced it would cut their assets in half and, thus, less would have to be paid out. The lawyer for the Graziano family has already had this thought.

It will be interesting to see the final outcome of both the marriage and the civil suit. And if their respective "careers" can take the PR heat.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

American Gladiators vs. Guts

Maybe I never noticed because I happen to be the target audience for Guts. Maybe I didn't want to see the similarities because it was slightly more realistic that I would be able to climb the Aggro Crag than beat the Eliminator. But I just never realized that Guts was the poor man's AG.

As a kid, I thought Guts was awesome. You swam in a pool and wore an amazing uniform. But you weren't showing off an physical abilities. You were tied to a safety harness the whole time and barely had to do any work. Please. I want to see real athleticism.

I'm not letting Guts off the hook just because it was for kids. It's tag line was "Guts: Do ya have it?" No, Guts, you did not.

And don't get me started on the hosts. Can Mike O'Malley and Mo even compare to Laila Ali and The Hulk? Don't make me answer that.

It doesn't matter anymore. My eyes are wide open. I have seen the light and it is blinding off of Titan's muscles.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

The fast and the fucking stupid

Host of American Gladiators and WWE Hall of Famer, Hulk Hogan, was listed as a defendant in a civil suit filed on Monday on behalf of John Graziano. Graziano, a friend of the Hulk's son, Nick, was seriously injured when Nick crashed his "souped-up" car into a palm tree last year.

The suit also lists Linda Hogan as a defendant. Alleging that she and the Hulk encouraged their son's super reckless behavior and provided the minors with alcohol.

Linda might have a hard time defending herself in court as she is on record gushing about her juvenile love of all things Tokyo Drift. ""Oh, I love it. I love it," she said. "The rush, the speed on the road, stereo-blasting, heart-pounding, racing in between all the cars, dodging the cops. It's awesome." Um, thanks mom?

Graziano remains in the hospital in a semi-conscious state, While the Hogan family stages photo-ops outside the hospital and pretend to care that their poor-parenting and the actions of their son almost cost the life of one young man. This is not the behavior of an AG host. I call for the Hulk's immediate resignation. I think Mike O'Malley and Mo would would make really good replacements for the disgraced wrestler. [E! News]

Monday, March 24, 2008

Training regimen, round 1

So this is the start of what I hope to be a series on the various ways in which I am personally preparing for my inevitable appearance on television's finest program - American Gladiators.

Monday, 3/24/08
- Ate everything bagel for breakfast to prepare for myriad challenges of The Eliminator

- Biked 5 minutes to work to build up leg strength for Gauntlet

- Clicked around internet for several hours to build up finger strength for Power Ball

- Ate 3 soft pretzels with cheese for lunch to study twisted shape for tips on agility (useful in Earthquake)

- Shot little kids outside my office with Nerf guns to prepare for Assault

- Rode home with my hands to prepare for Hand Bike on The Eliminator

- Climbed into my apartment through the window to get ready for Wall

- Drank myself to sleep because Daddy doesn't love me. That wasn't to prepare it's just true.

Sunday, March 23, 2008

Hang Tough: Only the Strong Survive

Hang Tough is one of the events that made the transition from the original show to the 2008 reincarnation. It's also, in my opinion, one of the toughest, and most exciting, events in the entire arena.

Basic premise: The contender tries to swing across a pool using a series of rings. BUT look out because a Gladiator can will try to take you down.

If the contender doesn't get a good start then the game is pretty much over. Sure, you may gain some points for hangin' tough for the whole 60 seconds, but you aren't going to make it across the pool. Once a Gladiator gets within two rings, you're done.

Rarely is a contender able to get out of the clutches of a Wolf or a Crush. (And let's be honest...why would you want to?) I always feel the Gladiators humanity when they decide to just block a contender from reaching the platform rather than wrapping their legs, or entire body, around contenders. It's like they are thinking, "I could kill you now. But no. I can wait until later." Beneath the tough exterior, Gladiators have a heart.

So, for those contenders who are able to get the 5 points or, by the grace of God, actually win Hang Tough, I commend you. Good luck in the Eliminator and the arm bike!

Friday, March 21, 2008


The Littlest Gladiator is trying to score an exclusive interview with one of the contestants from Season One. We need your help to come up with the questions. So far we have:

Do you feel more entitled than "normal" people because of your experience on the greatest show in the whole world?
Do you miss it?
What does the arena smell like?
Who has bigger hands Hulk or Titan?

Submit away. And keep your fingers crossed!

Crush: Did she choke a bitch?

So, in this fan's humble opinion, the hottest of the female gladiators is Crush. Just look at her!

So, after watching AG for a couple of weeks, I was more than a little disturbed when I realized that they NEVER LET HER TALK. They will literally go around to every other Gladiator and let them jaw about whatever the fuck they want, but will never let Crush utter a single "WOOOOOO" when she talks about how she's gonna ya rock ass at Hit And Run.

This is particularly awkward because she is the gladiator most often chosen for Joust, which is a one-on-one event. Sometimes, they'll talk to the contestant, and then pan over to Crush like they're gonna talk to her, and make like they're gonna ask her some asinine question ("Crush, why is Joust your best event"? "Crush, we heard that you enjoy crocheting slings for your Joust victims." "Crush, why don't you ever talk?")

I did a little research on Crush and found out that she was "once engaged to Muay Thai fighter Kit Cope," who is also known as "The Havoc." Also, her father was a backup quarterback for the Dallas Cowboys in the 70s and 80s. She was a somewhat accomplished Muay Thai fighter, with a career record of 12-1-1 before she heard the call of television.

Back to my original point - why doesn't this broad ever talk? I've compiled a list of possible reasons.

-- Asthmatic, needs full lung capacity to wave around foam stick at unsuspecting targets.

-- Ashamed of mannish voice.

-- "The Havoc" accidentally kicked her in the throat one time during Muay Thai sparring at their Las Vegas home, and her esophagus closed up, leading to massive larynx damage and complete loss of speech, eventually leading to dissolution of engagement between the two fighters.

-- During a safari in Africa, she foolishly left the safety of the Range Rover to recover a pair of Gucci sunglasses that her traveling companion dropped, and she was mauled by a puma, leaving her with irreparable damage to her vocal chords but endowing her with the strength, speed and coordination of a puma.

-- Ashamed of mannish voice.

-- Was purposely elbowed in the throat for trash talking too much during a game of pickup basketball during her college years at UNLV by former Running Rebels star "Grandmama" Larry Johnson, paralyzing her upper register vocal chords and leaving her forever emotionally scarred and scared of speaking.

-- Once witnessed the murder of a key FBI witness and was picked up by the mob, and sworn to silence for the rest of her days in exchange for her life.

-- Ashamed of mannish voice.